23.11
Today I woke up at 10.43 in the library. Fed up with revising for the Talmud exam which awaited me in precisely 3.37h I started reading an grotesque story about the Death of the Little God, which kind of suited my mood, for my personal god has never been of a great size and confronted with the exam and the Jewish writings he knew nothing about he started to shrink and I assume, for I haven’t actually bothered to ask him how he felt, too concerned with my own heart pounding uncontrollably, due to the coffee I had just before ascending to the library dungeon. It was actually this coffee that was an agent of my awakening. Although if it was solely this unhealthy caffeine drink that evoked such feelings in me it would be by now the best selling product and South America would have beaten China in the global race. Why is that? Because even after having slept 3 hours, with the perspective of an exam without any specific guidelines on how to approach it, an essay due in 2 days, watery eyes and above all DIRTY HAIR (yaaa haraam!) I lifted up my head from the stack of papers, looked at the poor, kipa-wearing guy, apparently studying for Talmud level X, I suddenly felt happy. And even the sound of drilling coming from behind the oh-so-sound-proof doors leading to some mysterious room badly needing extensive and intensive redecoration, did not disturb my amazing and so rarely occurring experience. I didn’t even try to identify its source, for practice has taught me that an analysis can only destroy the moment. Just like an all-inclusive interpretation and in-deep discussion about your favorite novel in the class can ruin it in your eyes forever, let it be just Winnie the Pooh. We need some mystery, one can not break into pieces ones feelings… if it was possible than, again, some smart-ass would have already patented it and these parts would be added to packs of chips like in the old days, when we used to gather collections Star Wars paper coins. Collect them all and impress your friends, i.e. for our childish minds - be happy. Happy spirits - fromage with the face of Obi One
20.12.08
15.12.08
Sleepy advertisment
22.11
It's a date not an hour. Another oldie.
Sleep should be advertised. I’d be the first client to buy it or even order a … if it was possible. A life long supply please, could I pay with a credit card? I wonder why did they not have this idea yet, quit smoking, do sports, the whole 5-a-day business, all main topics connected to person’s health, but where is sleep? Maybe it does not fit to our culture of success where one has to be busy all the time and engaged in as many projects as possible, and where sleep would be considered a waste of precious time. But lack of sleep accumulates, like all this chemistry form coke light, it’s going to strike you sooner or later, and I would say that sooner, since we are not informed about the consequences, and in the society where people ceased to think by themselves, sleep’s importance will not come to light soon. Thus hereby I call upon you, stop reading this, since you probably use it as a time-killer as 3 o’clock at night fearing of going to sleep, because an undefined ‘something’ may happen and you are afraid to miss it, or because you know you should be doing work/homework/saving the world, but, since you don’t have enough determination, this is better than just sitting, right? So I call upon you – go to sleep! If it is not for yourself and the sanity of your mind, than just to use the bed you purchased being convinced you were going to spend in it 1/3 of your life, and which now stands forgotten in the corner, god knows what for - as a way to realize all those composition ideas form ‘Home and Design’, where they present inhabitable rooms, for who would have patience to remove all these modern minimalist pillows and embroided blankets before going to bed and placing them back there at 6 o’clock in the morning between a cup of green tea and a 20 minute yoga session. I just need some pro-sleep-slogans and I will submit a proposal to the ministry of health.
Don’t waste your life – go to sleep.
I don't think people would get it.
It's a date not an hour. Another oldie.
Sleep should be advertised. I’d be the first client to buy it or even order a … if it was possible. A life long supply please, could I pay with a credit card? I wonder why did they not have this idea yet, quit smoking, do sports, the whole 5-a-day business, all main topics connected to person’s health, but where is sleep? Maybe it does not fit to our culture of success where one has to be busy all the time and engaged in as many projects as possible, and where sleep would be considered a waste of precious time. But lack of sleep accumulates, like all this chemistry form coke light, it’s going to strike you sooner or later, and I would say that sooner, since we are not informed about the consequences, and in the society where people ceased to think by themselves, sleep’s importance will not come to light soon. Thus hereby I call upon you, stop reading this, since you probably use it as a time-killer as 3 o’clock at night fearing of going to sleep, because an undefined ‘something’ may happen and you are afraid to miss it, or because you know you should be doing work/homework/saving the world, but, since you don’t have enough determination, this is better than just sitting, right? So I call upon you – go to sleep! If it is not for yourself and the sanity of your mind, than just to use the bed you purchased being convinced you were going to spend in it 1/3 of your life, and which now stands forgotten in the corner, god knows what for - as a way to realize all those composition ideas form ‘Home and Design’, where they present inhabitable rooms, for who would have patience to remove all these modern minimalist pillows and embroided blankets before going to bed and placing them back there at 6 o’clock in the morning between a cup of green tea and a 20 minute yoga session. I just need some pro-sleep-slogans and I will submit a proposal to the ministry of health.
Don’t waste your life – go to sleep.
I don't think people would get it.
12.12.08
I announce the beginning of autumn.
20.11
Today while walking back from the fitness centre the warm wind brought to me a smell of dry leaves. It is not cold yet, though sometimes gets a bit chilly, I would name this season mid-autumn, something that should be nonexistent in that area, and due to the climate change had already disappeared even in higher latitudes. Nevertheless, I am telling you what happens, and when I say so, so it is. The wind tells me the autumn is soon going to be in full bloom, there is this atmosphere of change, a sort of an infectious semi excitement in the surroundings that spreads around to affect those prone to ‘emotions of nature’.
One has to be self sufficient. I discovered that it is precisely my problem. By relying on the picture of myself I create in front of other people I am losing my individuality, and what is more, I become dependent upon them. That is when I stop receiving signals of appreciation, I feel worthless, I am left with nothing, i.e. myself who ceases to exist when no one affirms it. How can one derive self-confidence from oneself? The term itself is misleading, for usually we draw this feeling from the surroundings, from social acceptance or from our achievements. That makes us feel valuable. Maybe this definition is coined by the society for it seems not to be accurate, maybe it is more of a self acceptance? Self confidence should be derived from ourselves, so that it won’t be liable for any damage due to ‘external factors’ such as a failure in an exam or a tiny expression of despise or disrespect from colleagues, friends or even strangers, which even though should not be of any importance to us, sometimes can break the whole day. It is hard to appreciate oneself. We have been brought up in a culture that taught us that being satisfied with one’s own talents and achievements is egoistic and that what we accomplish is never enough. It leaves us in a state of incompleteness and dissatisfaction that is planned to last forever, as if the fact of acknowledging our talents was to despise us of motivation for improvement. Even nowadays we have two conflicting trends in the society – a turn into oneself, pursuing the career, attempts to achieve ‘perfect life’ (however one defines it), and the other completely opposite, a turn towards others, represented by ever-growing number of NGO’s and a new demand to put some volunteering projects in one’s resume.
Today while walking back from the fitness centre the warm wind brought to me a smell of dry leaves. It is not cold yet, though sometimes gets a bit chilly, I would name this season mid-autumn, something that should be nonexistent in that area, and due to the climate change had already disappeared even in higher latitudes. Nevertheless, I am telling you what happens, and when I say so, so it is. The wind tells me the autumn is soon going to be in full bloom, there is this atmosphere of change, a sort of an infectious semi excitement in the surroundings that spreads around to affect those prone to ‘emotions of nature’.
One has to be self sufficient. I discovered that it is precisely my problem. By relying on the picture of myself I create in front of other people I am losing my individuality, and what is more, I become dependent upon them. That is when I stop receiving signals of appreciation, I feel worthless, I am left with nothing, i.e. myself who ceases to exist when no one affirms it. How can one derive self-confidence from oneself? The term itself is misleading, for usually we draw this feeling from the surroundings, from social acceptance or from our achievements. That makes us feel valuable. Maybe this definition is coined by the society for it seems not to be accurate, maybe it is more of a self acceptance? Self confidence should be derived from ourselves, so that it won’t be liable for any damage due to ‘external factors’ such as a failure in an exam or a tiny expression of despise or disrespect from colleagues, friends or even strangers, which even though should not be of any importance to us, sometimes can break the whole day. It is hard to appreciate oneself. We have been brought up in a culture that taught us that being satisfied with one’s own talents and achievements is egoistic and that what we accomplish is never enough. It leaves us in a state of incompleteness and dissatisfaction that is planned to last forever, as if the fact of acknowledging our talents was to despise us of motivation for improvement. Even nowadays we have two conflicting trends in the society – a turn into oneself, pursuing the career, attempts to achieve ‘perfect life’ (however one defines it), and the other completely opposite, a turn towards others, represented by ever-growing number of NGO’s and a new demand to put some volunteering projects in one’s resume.
4.12.08
Feelings in jars
Apparently that month was a time of extensive mental activity - I seem to have brough to the day light (maybe daylight if my own consciousness) some truths about life. Heh.
8.11
16.00
Guys can’t express their feelings. It is an established fact, don’t try to argue. Notice however that I haven’t denied that they have some, which is maybe a little bit naïve of me. If you meet one who is by some coincidence able to do it, it is just יוצאי דאופן, and we should contact some authority and put those in a museum, because they are probably about to extinct. Looking at this from a biological point of view they should be ahead of others and the evolution should rather support these... ‘organisms’... unique creatures. It certainly enhances their chances of finding a reproductive partner and the view that emotions equal physical weakness is only a creation of the society.
The reason might be that they don’t know what to do with the feelings if they recognize they have them. It’s like making spring cleaning and finding your dead grandmothers pink furry hat and a bunch of empty jars after Uncle Ben’s sauce. Keep them? Throw them away? Use them? For what? So you end up not doing anything placing them back where they had been found just to discover them again next year and have the same set of thoughts. It’s just something that is and has always been there, without any precise definition or instruction of use.
8.11
16.00
Guys can’t express their feelings. It is an established fact, don’t try to argue. Notice however that I haven’t denied that they have some, which is maybe a little bit naïve of me. If you meet one who is by some coincidence able to do it, it is just יוצאי דאופן, and we should contact some authority and put those in a museum, because they are probably about to extinct. Looking at this from a biological point of view they should be ahead of others and the evolution should rather support these... ‘organisms’... unique creatures. It certainly enhances their chances of finding a reproductive partner and the view that emotions equal physical weakness is only a creation of the society.
The reason might be that they don’t know what to do with the feelings if they recognize they have them. It’s like making spring cleaning and finding your dead grandmothers pink furry hat and a bunch of empty jars after Uncle Ben’s sauce. Keep them? Throw them away? Use them? For what? So you end up not doing anything placing them back where they had been found just to discover them again next year and have the same set of thoughts. It’s just something that is and has always been there, without any precise definition or instruction of use.
1.12.08
Shabbat morning
After almost a month that has passed since I have written it, I really DO find it cheesy. That is one of these cases when I don't recognize the person who wrote it - always a good excuse for a piece of literary cr...eation.
8.11
12.30
Awaken with the sound of Beautiful Liar coming from the room of my flatmate at the dawn of Shabbat I am trying to recall how when and if I removed my make up upon coming back from yesterday’s wine-drinking. The dusk suddenly changed into afternoon when I opened my shuttles. Who is the beautiful liar now… I can’t say I didn’t know it was going to end like that when yesterdays evening we were going to the only open alcohol source – the gas station (or maybe a petrol one, sir?) – sharing a keynote ‘fuck shabbat’, a slogan which accompanied us since coming to Israel. We were happy to discover an offer for some local ‘speciality’ in other words a shitty wine. They know when to put these bottles on display, the crucial desperate time of Friday evening, when people flock to them like thirsty wolves with an implicit objective to get to the ‘past-participal’ state of wine-drunk. Still feeling a slight buzz I began to understand the lyrics of all these songs that I used to listen to on the rare wedding parties and family celebrations that I attended back in Poland.
Had I read this passage 3 months ago I would have taken it as a final argument explaining why I was not drinking. Perspectives change, and now even with my slightly shaking hands I am still able to type this, by which I am trying to convince myself I am not an alcoholic -how dramatic it sounds! It was not my intention.
As a summary of my present way of life I play Linkin Park – discovered with a slight delay as a band I really enjoy.
I wanna feel like I’m close to something real…
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere i belong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXW5uJYpbew
8.11
12.30
Awaken with the sound of Beautiful Liar coming from the room of my flatmate at the dawn of Shabbat I am trying to recall how when and if I removed my make up upon coming back from yesterday’s wine-drinking. The dusk suddenly changed into afternoon when I opened my shuttles. Who is the beautiful liar now… I can’t say I didn’t know it was going to end like that when yesterdays evening we were going to the only open alcohol source – the gas station (or maybe a petrol one, sir?) – sharing a keynote ‘fuck shabbat’, a slogan which accompanied us since coming to Israel. We were happy to discover an offer for some local ‘speciality’ in other words a shitty wine. They know when to put these bottles on display, the crucial desperate time of Friday evening, when people flock to them like thirsty wolves with an implicit objective to get to the ‘past-participal’ state of wine-drunk. Still feeling a slight buzz I began to understand the lyrics of all these songs that I used to listen to on the rare wedding parties and family celebrations that I attended back in Poland.
Had I read this passage 3 months ago I would have taken it as a final argument explaining why I was not drinking. Perspectives change, and now even with my slightly shaking hands I am still able to type this, by which I am trying to convince myself I am not an alcoholic -how dramatic it sounds! It was not my intention.
As a summary of my present way of life I play Linkin Park – discovered with a slight delay as a band I really enjoy.
I wanna feel like I’m close to something real…
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere i belong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXW5uJYpbew
30.11.08
Fishermen
I can't remember where I found it.
“A way to fisherman’s heart leads through his flies”.
Does it explain why the majority enjoy fishing or does it mean that all the man are fishermen?
“A way to fisherman’s heart leads through his flies”.
Does it explain why the majority enjoy fishing or does it mean that all the man are fishermen?
26.11.08
I actually started writing this blog more less a month ago, when the amount of thought is my head started piling up and thereatened with an explosion or steaming from the ears. So I think I will start uploading these notes now, witht he date I wrote them on. It makes a difference, for most of the times the entries refer to specific feelings and impressions I had on a particular day, and even only after a month it feels as if I was entering the mind of another person when I myself get back to them. A 5% experience of personality split. A topic for a separate essay.
Written after coming back from Egypt, around Oct 22nd.
I have left this country only for a week, but waking up today in my small room in Kfar haStudentim felt more awkward than being aroused from Abdullah’s bed with a sound of a drum and a tambourine coming from the nearby school in Cairo. Even a week made me lose my local, or, home-bred, if we consider this place to be my home, habits. I lost my student ID twice, which makes 100% of the times I left the flat today, and the sight of people wearing kipot in the gym was again a little bit peculiar. Only people who have been born here can understand the mechanics of this country and are able to love it wholeheartedly. After having done some (believe me, just a tiny bit) of travelling I can notice how bizarre is this creation called Medinat Israel. When one arrives here from Europe (and I guess from the States too) it feels like something totally different from any ‘western country’ - rudeness and rush with a taste of hummus. But compared to the hustle and an utter craziness of Egypt it appears simply… boring. One can notice features of both – the middle east, and of what came to be called ‘the west’, but the place itself does not belong to any of these cathegories. Maybe that’s why everyone except the Israelis , has mixed feelings towards this country – it can’t be easily classified, or for that matter, it can’t be classified at all, and so it can not be embraced by any of the sides, east west, north south or whichever direction or term you can think of. On the other hand, I think that it doesn’t want to be accepted, maybe it’s to proud of its originality, and simply doesn’t want to abandon any piece of its identity, even for the sake of better relations with ……… (fill in according to the current political situation).
Written after coming back from Egypt, around Oct 22nd.
I have left this country only for a week, but waking up today in my small room in Kfar haStudentim felt more awkward than being aroused from Abdullah’s bed with a sound of a drum and a tambourine coming from the nearby school in Cairo. Even a week made me lose my local, or, home-bred, if we consider this place to be my home, habits. I lost my student ID twice, which makes 100% of the times I left the flat today, and the sight of people wearing kipot in the gym was again a little bit peculiar. Only people who have been born here can understand the mechanics of this country and are able to love it wholeheartedly. After having done some (believe me, just a tiny bit) of travelling I can notice how bizarre is this creation called Medinat Israel. When one arrives here from Europe (and I guess from the States too) it feels like something totally different from any ‘western country’ - rudeness and rush with a taste of hummus. But compared to the hustle and an utter craziness of Egypt it appears simply… boring. One can notice features of both – the middle east, and of what came to be called ‘the west’, but the place itself does not belong to any of these cathegories. Maybe that’s why everyone except the Israelis , has mixed feelings towards this country – it can’t be easily classified, or for that matter, it can’t be classified at all, and so it can not be embraced by any of the sides, east west, north south or whichever direction or term you can think of. On the other hand, I think that it doesn’t want to be accepted, maybe it’s to proud of its originality, and simply doesn’t want to abandon any piece of its identity, even for the sake of better relations with ……… (fill in according to the current political situation).
25.11.08
Intro
Firstly I think that something has to be explained. That is, if someone is looking for any personal information about my utterly boring life, than, sorry to dissapoint you, but you won't find it here. It will be a collection of random thoughts and impressions with a slight chance for some life-stories interweaved...
I am writing it in English, as I hope you had noticed already....not that I want to show off, for as you will soon realize thee is nothing to be boasting about in terms of my knowledge of this pagan language. Juding by this you would say I probably count on some fame in the 'wide world' or that i want to reach a big numebr of people. But the truth is, that I have a bunch of English-speaking friends and maybe subconsciously I hope they will find it some day and discover my real self. Nah, not to that extent, simply, it is an act of mercy on my part, so that the people who happen not to share my mother tongue might have a possibility to understand these oh-so-bright and world changing thoughts if they happen to find them and express a wish to read them.
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