Long awaited here they come.. another list of queer things about the UK. Before you accustom to this country, before the Britishness blinds you, try to notice how weird it all is...
- everyone around you is skinny, yet they warn you about obesity and you feel pressured to buy low fat products, especially if the 45 year old lady before you put 7 0%fat yoghurts on the conveyor belt as her lunch for the week
- everyone is anonymous discouraged from developing any relation with the environment. And you keep thinking how nice it was when the guys in Aroma mispronounced your name when calling you for your hafuh katan.
Sometimes it is annoying when they force this personal contact on you, how there are no mirrors in the changing room so that you need to parade in the shop to find a mirror and listen to other people’s opinions on how you look and be vulnerable to the salesperson getting you in their claws to convince you if how this piece of clothing suits you (better that rather than them telling you that you look fat, I think they would be ready for that too). If your social skills are good enough you may involve half of the staff and some customers into a discussion about the fashion or the preferable colour of the skirt.
Mind how there are often no priced on the items displayed in the shop and how each brand of cosmetics has their own sales person. They attack you the moment you slow down your walking pace to the “oh they have an offer for creams here” mode, for them “ she thinks about stopping.. she is mine”, forcing on you some contact, you are never left alone -to think, you need to discuss! That is the best way to reach a good decision, right? In some places it may be also called haggling.
Here, starting a conversation with someone would be not in place. Raising voice with shop staff, bus drivers – verbal abuse, touching someone in the bus – sexual abuse. Asking about religion/origin/salary anything – not politically correct. That is why small (and quiet) talk developed. They are just so cautious not to hurt anyone...everyone is made of straw...
-pub is a social place, whole families come there! It is not a mecca for dark magic and shady people smirking on you from above their pint of Guinness.
-the fact that you plugged something in does not mean it will work – TURN ON the socket
-no one will stop for you at the pedestrian crossing – there are LIGHTS - wait for the green or.. learn to maneuver and …run quickly
-people don’t honk because they saw you (if ever) – just to be seen themselves
- suddenly I see how valuable the pound is! A truly royal currency … the 99p stores are not as cheap as they would seem
- in the tube today – walked in total around 20 minutes to get to the platforms - on the way heard guitar pop, reggae on drums and some light blues – I think they all have lost their way to the British Idol in the underground labyrinths
- I smile to people – they smile back? – they are foreigners
- everyone is very sorry for the ‘possible inconveniences’ i.e. making your life unbearable by smelly and loud road works or miserable by cancelling tube lines during the weekends
- directions are everywhere and very soon you find yourself afraid when you don’t follow the arrow in the underground… what if…u got lost?
- there are animals here- foxes instead of cats take care of your trash bins, squeaking seagulls wake you up in the morning and squirrels hide their nuts behind the electricity box
- you can by everything in it’s baby version, as if to make people believe they eat less, after All these are just baby potatoes, baby spinach, baby carrots and cherry tomatoes
- last orders at 11.30!? But I have just arrived!
14.8.09
10.8.09
Treasure hunt
Imagine living in two rooms for one and a half year. Imagine how with time the density of this space is growing and each little chunk of space is being occupied by things that everyone naturally (and hamster-like) accumulates . When it reaches the point of saturation… it all blows up. No. things crawl out of your space and start to spread around…to the bathroom to the kitchen. That way everything that one would normally just shove to the attic is close to you all the time. Hard to access, that’s true, but still the past is mixed with the present. And today I started digging through this treasure land, just out of curiosity and in the light of the coming apartment change (just to estimate how much we have to drag behind, really I sometimes wish I was a snail, or better a turtle, not a big fan of slime). Never did I expect such an amassment of various belongings, this moving saved us for truly we had been standing on the verge of collapse due to a gravity pull – we - two stars ending like two sister supernovas on a little street of Acton. Anyway, what have I not found today! Memories and chunks of past life, leftovers of myself from before one, three, five years…featuring: prom’s shoes (don’t ask about the design, just… don’t… but, did my feet grew? I thought they stop at this age…), a poncho I forgot I ever had, a box from my last university year (postcards from walls, cartooned tutors… ;), kilograms of Polish chocolate, that we apparently got as presents and a bottle of vodka clothed in a little down jacket. I don’t even mention a tone of books. You never think what you are putting away, because of course you are going to deal with it very soon, decide what to throw away and what you need, or you simply think you will soon need it and you know where it is. That is why it is always so surprising what you discover – because it’s true, not selected and thought over, simply you from the past in the box. Sometimes there are also thoughts in these boxes and drawers. Makes me think about Pandora…
9.8.09
Green Witch!
If ever I was disappointed with this city, today it had earned enough credit for the whole week! Thanks to my marvellous internet skills we got 2 return tickets to Greenwich for the price of one and after dealing with underground works that always happen on the weekend to facilitate tourists’ life we got to Embankment from where we were about to sail. The captain who underlined 3 times that he was not a qualified tour guide turned out to be a sailing comedian and led us through the Thames with his pinching humour – joking form Prince Charles, the French and at the very end of the passengers themselves, saying that he does not expect much of an appreciation, especially as half of the people aboard did not understand a word. His explanations were ended with ‘God be with you and God save the queen’ welcomed with a round of applause which he… wanted us not to stop. A skinny retired old salesman passed among the rows with an old champagne bucket asking for ‘voluntary signs of appreciation’ for the guide, I treated it as a memory of my old Sundays in the church where they also asked for voluntary contributions. Yet they looked you straight in the eye when you did not volunteer any of your notes…
On this surprisingly sunny and warm day we set off to visit Greenwich, in my mind almost a capital of world’s astronomy – of the two hemispheres, of time, of sky, of everything. Very pretty indeed, and as a welcome I heard some Hebrew in the tourist centre, little room well equipped in leaflets that I collect…to give more to recycle, no, no for example to cut nice pictures from them. Walking without a plan we run into a local market with many hand-made products, oriental clothing and gadgets as well as food. Pants that I got in Israel for mere 5 shekels (not even one pound) were worth there as much as 10! Robbery I wanted to scream out. But, no one would pay attention anyway. I noticed an interesting shop full of little bottles with a two coloured liquid and the salesperson was a fairy! She said that by the law of attraction each person will choose a set of colours that suits them, that they need, and than they need to apply these oils (it turned out to be some sort of aromatherapy) on their body to help them achieve higher states of awareness, internal balance, true happiness or whatever. I picked one and she told me it was ‘a wisdom rescue’ for people who lack belief in their knowledge and skills, who underestimate themselves. Don’t worry I will not start believing in Tarot…
"Which one attracts YOU, missy?"
Walking with eyes wide open fro too long I got tired, yet the main point of my focus was still on the way – the Royal Observatory, all for free at this time of the year, how lucky in this horrible stingy country, sucking on its poor citizens. The observatory was just great, with all sorts of interactive games, probably for children…but not without a reason have I waited over 15 years to be bigger than them and be able to chase them away easily. So again an hour or so in total awe, plus more Israeli people, plus 0 meridian with a giant queue to take a picture on it, no way I would wait. Later we saw some other boring things just because they were for free so what to do. It would be almost like waste of money not to go.
In the village of a green witch I met a colour fairy. I should have expected something like that, shouldn’t I?
On this surprisingly sunny and warm day we set off to visit Greenwich, in my mind almost a capital of world’s astronomy – of the two hemispheres, of time, of sky, of everything. Very pretty indeed, and as a welcome I heard some Hebrew in the tourist centre, little room well equipped in leaflets that I collect…to give more to recycle, no, no for example to cut nice pictures from them. Walking without a plan we run into a local market with many hand-made products, oriental clothing and gadgets as well as food. Pants that I got in Israel for mere 5 shekels (not even one pound) were worth there as much as 10! Robbery I wanted to scream out. But, no one would pay attention anyway. I noticed an interesting shop full of little bottles with a two coloured liquid and the salesperson was a fairy! She said that by the law of attraction each person will choose a set of colours that suits them, that they need, and than they need to apply these oils (it turned out to be some sort of aromatherapy) on their body to help them achieve higher states of awareness, internal balance, true happiness or whatever. I picked one and she told me it was ‘a wisdom rescue’ for people who lack belief in their knowledge and skills, who underestimate themselves. Don’t worry I will not start believing in Tarot…
"Which one attracts YOU, missy?"
Walking with eyes wide open fro too long I got tired, yet the main point of my focus was still on the way – the Royal Observatory, all for free at this time of the year, how lucky in this horrible stingy country, sucking on its poor citizens. The observatory was just great, with all sorts of interactive games, probably for children…but not without a reason have I waited over 15 years to be bigger than them and be able to chase them away easily. So again an hour or so in total awe, plus more Israeli people, plus 0 meridian with a giant queue to take a picture on it, no way I would wait. Later we saw some other boring things just because they were for free so what to do. It would be almost like waste of money not to go.
In the village of a green witch I met a colour fairy. I should have expected something like that, shouldn’t I?
7.8.09
Flashes no.2
Oh no the magic hour of today has passed and I forgot to celebrate it :/
(you didn't know? 12:34:56 07.08.09! :D )
- everyone around you is skinny, yet they warn you about obesity and you feel pressured to buy low fat products, especially if the 45 year old lady before you put 7 0%fat yoghurts on the conveyor belt as her lunch for the week
- everyone is anonymous discouraged from developing any relation with the environment. And you keep thinking how nice it was when the guys in Aroma mispronounced your name when calling you for your hafuh katan.
Sometimes it is annoying when they force this personal contact on you, how there are no mirrors in the changing room so that you need to parade in the shop to find a mirror and listen to other people’s opinions on how you look and be vulnerable to the salesperson getting you in their claws to convince you if how this piece of clothing suits you (better that rather than them telling you that you look fat, I think they would be ready for that too). If your social skills are good enough you may involve half of the staff and some customers into a discussion about the fashion or the preferable colour of the skirt.
Mind how there are often no priced on the items displayed in the shop and how each brand of cosmetics has their own sales person. They attack you the moment you slow down your walking pace to the “oh they have an offer for creams here” mode, for them “ she thinks about stopping.. she is mine”, forcing on you some contact, you are never left alone -to think, you need to discuss! That is the best way to reach a good decision, right? In some places it may be also called haggling.
Here, starting a conversation with someone would be not in place. Raising voice with shop staff, bus drivers – verbal abuse, touching someone in the bus – sexual abuse. Asking about religion/origin/salary anything – not politically correct. That is why small (and quiet) talk developed. They are just so cautious not to hurt anyone...everyone is made of straw...
-pub is a social place, whole families come there! It is not a mecca for dark magic and shady people smirking on you from above their pint of Guinness.
-the fact that you plugged something in does not mean it will work – TURN ON the soccet
I already know there is more to come...just be patient.
(you didn't know? 12:34:56 07.08.09! :D )
- everyone around you is skinny, yet they warn you about obesity and you feel pressured to buy low fat products, especially if the 45 year old lady before you put 7 0%fat yoghurts on the conveyor belt as her lunch for the week
- everyone is anonymous discouraged from developing any relation with the environment. And you keep thinking how nice it was when the guys in Aroma mispronounced your name when calling you for your hafuh katan.
Sometimes it is annoying when they force this personal contact on you, how there are no mirrors in the changing room so that you need to parade in the shop to find a mirror and listen to other people’s opinions on how you look and be vulnerable to the salesperson getting you in their claws to convince you if how this piece of clothing suits you (better that rather than them telling you that you look fat, I think they would be ready for that too). If your social skills are good enough you may involve half of the staff and some customers into a discussion about the fashion or the preferable colour of the skirt.
Mind how there are often no priced on the items displayed in the shop and how each brand of cosmetics has their own sales person. They attack you the moment you slow down your walking pace to the “oh they have an offer for creams here” mode, for them “ she thinks about stopping.. she is mine”, forcing on you some contact, you are never left alone -to think, you need to discuss! That is the best way to reach a good decision, right? In some places it may be also called haggling.
Here, starting a conversation with someone would be not in place. Raising voice with shop staff, bus drivers – verbal abuse, touching someone in the bus – sexual abuse. Asking about religion/origin/salary anything – not politically correct. That is why small (and quiet) talk developed. They are just so cautious not to hurt anyone...everyone is made of straw...
-pub is a social place, whole families come there! It is not a mecca for dark magic and shady people smirking on you from above their pint of Guinness.
-the fact that you plugged something in does not mean it will work – TURN ON the soccet
I already know there is more to come...just be patient.
After I came back I have aded a note on facebook to which I have written a continuation and I feel I need to copy the previous piece so that the contination would make sense.
---------------------------------------
I think everyone needs to write it. Memories/experiences from Israel or a come-back-shock piece.
To all those who were in England, are about to come, or were in Israel and came back to their countries. There are some things you didn't remember, right?
Or just to those who are bored and night and search through peoples profiles.
- one simple truth – the weather IS changeable – if the day starts with sun, don’t be to optimistic. Taking off and putting on your jacket is a norm.
- 1st day – I was wearing a scarf, yet this part of me readjusted the fastest – now I am in a t-shirt and people around me wear jackets. Perhaps I am just too elated when the sun comes out.
- why are you all so sorry and thankful all the time!?
- it is so green around! Trees EVERYWHERE! That’s why it is called the commonwealth right? Natural commonwealth you don’t even know what you have!
- I passed 2 suspiciously looking and violent boys standing in the middle of the street, wearing tracksuits and with short hair (with lots of brilliantine) and making some dark businesses, peeking left or right from time to time. They had bikes. They were 10.
- On Saturday I woke up to the screams of our Greek neighbours. Hasavalis babalis coolabula. Lasted till I finished my jogging.
- The Indian guy fro the local Polish store waves at me when I pass. I was there twice half a year ago.
- Sakkae showed us some apartment’s to rent – where are the British people
- The tube talks to me, the bus talks to me – except for the fact that I can not concentrate because of that… is it the most British ‘conversation’ you can get in the country of immigrants?
- Recycling make you realize how much plastic waste you produce every day. Why oh why do they put those five tomatoes on a plastic tray and wrapped it in plastic into a plastic bag?
- My mum sees and talks to her neighbour best friend every day. They still talk on the phone.
- Pubs with weird double barrelled names are on every corner, the lamb and flag, the leek and a horse (maybe a leak in the horse?) , the tomato and a horn, you name it.
-You do small talk about parking and weather – you are bored but you smile, no one can hep you, no one knows anything – you will never get to know then and you smile, banks and shops are opened till 5
- you can’t do anything and you smile, than you meet any foreigner and you bitch about the Brits.
- cheers? Again I thought the cashier was making a toast.
- I am sick of coffee with a lot of milk. Yuk.
- You can buy EVERYTHING ready in the supermarket. In powder, in liquid, ¼ ready, half ready or just ready. Well, but that would be laziness.
Ah and ugly people. not like all of us :D
---------------------------------------
I think everyone needs to write it. Memories/experiences from Israel or a come-back-shock piece.
To all those who were in England, are about to come, or were in Israel and came back to their countries. There are some things you didn't remember, right?
Or just to those who are bored and night and search through peoples profiles.
- one simple truth – the weather IS changeable – if the day starts with sun, don’t be to optimistic. Taking off and putting on your jacket is a norm.
- 1st day – I was wearing a scarf, yet this part of me readjusted the fastest – now I am in a t-shirt and people around me wear jackets. Perhaps I am just too elated when the sun comes out.
- why are you all so sorry and thankful all the time!?
- it is so green around! Trees EVERYWHERE! That’s why it is called the commonwealth right? Natural commonwealth you don’t even know what you have!
- I passed 2 suspiciously looking and violent boys standing in the middle of the street, wearing tracksuits and with short hair (with lots of brilliantine) and making some dark businesses, peeking left or right from time to time. They had bikes. They were 10.
- On Saturday I woke up to the screams of our Greek neighbours. Hasavalis babalis coolabula. Lasted till I finished my jogging.
- The Indian guy fro the local Polish store waves at me when I pass. I was there twice half a year ago.
- Sakkae showed us some apartment’s to rent – where are the British people
- The tube talks to me, the bus talks to me – except for the fact that I can not concentrate because of that… is it the most British ‘conversation’ you can get in the country of immigrants?
- Recycling make you realize how much plastic waste you produce every day. Why oh why do they put those five tomatoes on a plastic tray and wrapped it in plastic into a plastic bag?
- My mum sees and talks to her neighbour best friend every day. They still talk on the phone.
- Pubs with weird double barrelled names are on every corner, the lamb and flag, the leek and a horse (maybe a leak in the horse?) , the tomato and a horn, you name it.
-You do small talk about parking and weather – you are bored but you smile, no one can hep you, no one knows anything – you will never get to know then and you smile, banks and shops are opened till 5
- you can’t do anything and you smile, than you meet any foreigner and you bitch about the Brits.
- cheers? Again I thought the cashier was making a toast.
- I am sick of coffee with a lot of milk. Yuk.
- You can buy EVERYTHING ready in the supermarket. In powder, in liquid, ¼ ready, half ready or just ready. Well, but that would be laziness.
Ah and ugly people. not like all of us :D
5.8.09
Re-adjusting
I haven't written for a long time. As if anyone read that. Anyway, I didn't have time inspiration, etc. And now I am back in the beloved Commonwealth which surprisingly became a source for various thoughts and impressions. They are a bit chaotic, but I will upload a couple of pieces about various things that surprise/amaze/annoy me backe here. Wish me luck in re-adjusting.
I am so thirsty here, in the humidity of the Island in its wetness and dampness I constantly drink. And not highly “percentented” drinks to kill the taste of fog in my mouth, but water. Even more than in the middle east I strive for it. Maybe water here is just less wet? Less watery? Perhaps in order to fight the outer moisture my body activated a preventive system and tries to dry itself from the inside. So far, I gather all of these liquids and cry them out in the evenings, eyes red and stinging from sprite.
The sun stopped being huffy and revealed it’s presence. I worshipped it by recharging my endorphin batteries in the patch of grass in the back of the house called garden. Sun here is like a celebrity, you never know when it will appear and for how long, if you don’t appreciate it enough it will not come back. And it doses its presence - comes rather seldom so that you will cheer for it when it finally arrives.
Directions. You are told what to do on every possible occasions. It’s big brother on a mini scale. Everything is regulated and explained how to be done properly. Take the bus (no you don’t need to I am not trying to direct you) – and you will see a whole poster explaining the ‘proper’ way of acting on this medium of transport. Don’t smoke, don’t talk loud, listen to music, eat, bring animals, disturb other passengers, talk to the driver, stand in the way, transport bikes. By talking loud to the driver you may ‘verbally abuse him’ and a ‘touch action will be taken against you’ so be careful. Soon they will tell you how to wave on the bus how to get in and out which leg goes first and which hand should you use to hold to the slider. At the same time, the ‘system’ is really sorry it make your life unbearable. I am just waiting for them to say it is for common good. The best way to drive all the Polish people away. I wonder why they haven’t figured it out yet.
I am so thirsty here, in the humidity of the Island in its wetness and dampness I constantly drink. And not highly “percentented” drinks to kill the taste of fog in my mouth, but water. Even more than in the middle east I strive for it. Maybe water here is just less wet? Less watery? Perhaps in order to fight the outer moisture my body activated a preventive system and tries to dry itself from the inside. So far, I gather all of these liquids and cry them out in the evenings, eyes red and stinging from sprite.
The sun stopped being huffy and revealed it’s presence. I worshipped it by recharging my endorphin batteries in the patch of grass in the back of the house called garden. Sun here is like a celebrity, you never know when it will appear and for how long, if you don’t appreciate it enough it will not come back. And it doses its presence - comes rather seldom so that you will cheer for it when it finally arrives.
Directions. You are told what to do on every possible occasions. It’s big brother on a mini scale. Everything is regulated and explained how to be done properly. Take the bus (no you don’t need to I am not trying to direct you) – and you will see a whole poster explaining the ‘proper’ way of acting on this medium of transport. Don’t smoke, don’t talk loud, listen to music, eat, bring animals, disturb other passengers, talk to the driver, stand in the way, transport bikes. By talking loud to the driver you may ‘verbally abuse him’ and a ‘touch action will be taken against you’ so be careful. Soon they will tell you how to wave on the bus how to get in and out which leg goes first and which hand should you use to hold to the slider. At the same time, the ‘system’ is really sorry it make your life unbearable. I am just waiting for them to say it is for common good. The best way to drive all the Polish people away. I wonder why they haven’t figured it out yet.
3.5.09
Phone party
I would say that this fear of not hearing the phone is a bit exaggerated, for even a semi deaf person is able to hear the sound of the most popular pop-rock sound on maximum volume along with the vibrating hum. There is a wide-spread tendency to set songs as ringtones, the more drilling to your years the better. So when suddenly your heart stops when riding by bus from downtown at 12 at night upon hearing a bass and monotonous beat of the some techno hit (to avoid which you just left the club), don’t worry, you are not about to be attacked by an arse, it s only this 14-year old girls with 10 piercings in her face that is being called by her mum. And you were concerned to quiet down your Mozart ringtone not to shock fellow passengers.
Phone, as we all already accepted, is not only a communication tool. It is a source of music. But, contrary to the regular way of wiring oneself in headphones, here people just play local love hits aloud, for the delight of the bus passengers. For if anyone objected, they would just shout to the ‘dj’s’ to shut it down. In addition, there is usually a camera in this marvellous portable phone invention, called here a pelefon, i.e. a wonder phone. And, combines with the fact it can be taken anywhere ... the amount of blurry pictures uploaded to the internet from this area of the world is indigestible even for the vast resources of the world wide net. For of course it is the best idea to perpetuate one’s red, half-drunk face while smoking a 3rd cigarette in a lousy bar. Just so that your future children would know why they are disabled.
Phone, as we all already accepted, is not only a communication tool. It is a source of music. But, contrary to the regular way of wiring oneself in headphones, here people just play local love hits aloud, for the delight of the bus passengers. For if anyone objected, they would just shout to the ‘dj’s’ to shut it down. In addition, there is usually a camera in this marvellous portable phone invention, called here a pelefon, i.e. a wonder phone. And, combines with the fact it can be taken anywhere ... the amount of blurry pictures uploaded to the internet from this area of the world is indigestible even for the vast resources of the world wide net. For of course it is the best idea to perpetuate one’s red, half-drunk face while smoking a 3rd cigarette in a lousy bar. Just so that your future children would know why they are disabled.
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