I announce the beginning of autumn.

20.11



Today while walking back from the fitness centre the warm wind brought to me a smell of dry leaves. It is not cold yet, though sometimes gets a bit chilly, I would name this season mid-autumn, something that should be nonexistent in that area, and due to the climate change had already disappeared even in higher latitudes. Nevertheless, I am telling you what happens, and when I say so, so it is. The wind tells me the autumn is soon going to be in full bloom, there is this atmosphere of change, a sort of an infectious semi excitement in the surroundings that spreads around to affect those prone to ‘emotions of nature’.

One has to be self sufficient. I discovered that it is precisely my problem. By relying on the picture of myself I create in front of other people I am losing my individuality, and what is more, I become dependent upon them. That is when I stop receiving signals of appreciation, I feel worthless, I am left with nothing, i.e. myself who ceases to exist when no one affirms it. How can one derive self-confidence from oneself? The term itself is misleading, for usually we draw this feeling from the surroundings, from social acceptance or from our achievements. That makes us feel valuable. Maybe this definition is coined by the society for it seems not to be accurate, maybe it is more of a self acceptance? Self confidence should be derived from ourselves, so that it won’t be liable for any damage due to ‘external factors’ such as a failure in an exam or a tiny expression of despise or disrespect from colleagues, friends or even strangers, which even though should not be of any importance to us, sometimes can break the whole day. It is hard to appreciate oneself. We have been brought up in a culture that taught us that being satisfied with one’s own talents and achievements is egoistic and that what we accomplish is never enough. It leaves us in a state of incompleteness and dissatisfaction that is planned to last forever, as if the fact of acknowledging our talents was to despise us of motivation for improvement. Even nowadays we have two conflicting trends in the society – a turn into oneself, pursuing the career, attempts to achieve ‘perfect life’ (however one defines it), and the other completely opposite, a turn towards others, represented by ever-growing number of NGO’s and a new demand to put some volunteering projects in one’s resume.